i just thought you should know

i just thought you should know

that you’ve been on my mind.

and that i don’t like it either. 

sometimes i look up at the moon and wish we had spent more nights with our eyes open.

when the cool winds would blow over from the hills

i think of the sea, a shoreline

a sunset with you

even if you can’t recall, or if you’ve sold those paintings for a new perspective

i remember your head on my chest too

barely a man, I held more grace than my waking hands could grasp

you’d breathe deeply, your touches tender & gentle

and i’d simply do my best

to synchronize my cowboy heart’s pulse with your sweet head

and in the stillness

I’d lie awake for hours in your room

thinking of the million ways i could throw this love away

while i burned the bridge between us

i still think of your mom’s car

the one you’d drive me in before i got my license

i remember the melodies that made you smile

the tracks we’d skip “as not to go there”

the songs where your eyes would well up

but you couldn’t tell me why

you are on my every playlist

and no shuffle button could erase you

my album on repeat

i hear you in the mornings when i need to get myself together for the day

that comfort which clasps me in the fleeting memories of your arms

you still have my sweatshirts

my brothers see you in them when you’re out with your friends

i don’t wonder when i’ll see you in them for myself

i only wonder when you’ll throw it away

sometimes when i’ve turned the wrong corner too quickly

or have once again fell preoccupied with my thoughts

i can almost mistake a stranger for your body

and it is in that brief moment once again-

illustrious & golden, you light a fire in my chest

but merely the flick

of a flame that could never fare the winds

of my breezy, barren heart

a chill

and i am reminded of how torturous time can be

i just thought you should know.